The Utter Nonsense
The Invitation
“We should get together,” are the dreaded words with no intention.
I’ve heard this statement many times after I’ve met someone new. I’ve heard it from all types of well-intentioned individuals, but to me it seems white people fail to follow through the most. Since childhood, I’d always been taught that you cannot wait for people to invite you to be friends, especially white people. My mom said, “Nerissa, you have to extend the invitation first. White people won’t include you on their own. They are comfortable within their groups of friends. You are new to them.”
My family and I moved to South Florida in the summer of 2011. My mother was battling cancer when we first arrived and I travelled between South Florida, Orlando, and Houston, Texas serving as my mom’s primary caregiver. It was a challenging time. My husband had work and new responsibilities. My kids were in a new school, with extracurricular activities around new people. I didn’t have much time to think about forging my own relationships. But as I saw the school’s parent community, I thought, this might be our greatest challenge yet, trying to assimilate here, everyone seems settled in their groups, they are always making plans with each other, no one has invited us to anything.
When we moved to new places in the past, someone always extended an invitation for us to attend a social gathering within a few weeks of our arrival. This new life was different. People were cordial, but distant. My mother passed away almost two years after moving to South Florida. I didn’t have a group yet, so I spent a lot of time alone. But, after a year of rebalancing my life’s priorities, I thought it was important to at least try to make friends. My mother’s words echoed in my head, Nerissa, you have to extend the invitation first.
We were almost three years in town when I made an invitation. My husband and I invited two groups of parent couples, over the course of two evenings, totaling almost 70 guests, to dinner. The groups were parents of kids in the same grades as my 11th grade daughter and my 5th grade son. It was diverse. Other than the predominately white parents invited, we also included Christian, Jewish, and Muslim couples, people of color, a few single parents, and a same-sex couple. We also included parents who appeared to be opinion leaders amongst the grade-level families; I felt if I could show them the value of stepping outside their normal groups, they could move others to do the same. I sent the invitation to dine at two of the finest restaurants in the area, both where my family had relationships already. I titled the invitation, “Just Because;” we were not celebrating any special occasion. I was thrilled when almost every couple we’d invited said yes. I wanted to build new bridges for my family and cultivate connections for others too.
With my family being known foodies and my husband an amateur wine connoisseur, we planned a nice dinner for our guests. Upon arrival, there was an open bar and hors d’oeuvres in the restaurants’ lively lounges, my husband mingling as the consummate host, and me, tending to the final details. We transitioned to private rooms so that meaningful conversations could flow between our guests. We selected our favorite dishes, paired wines, had an assortment of desserts, and decorated the rooms with candles and flowers. It was an intimate and inviting mood. We wanted everyone to feel welcome.
My husband led an activity at the beginning to get everyone talking. It was a chance to introduce ourselves and answer an easy question, “What makes your son or daughter special?” I was enlightened listening to parents speaking so beautifully about their children. The comments were warm and many were really funny too. The parents’ words connected my personal experiences with some of their children. I felt I was learning something deeper than I had before about everyone. We all learned something new. The interactions continued, people connecting their similarities to new friends. Conversations varied, most were about family, school, work, current events and their views. Everyone seemed to get along. Both dinners, on separate nights, had the same feel.
At the conclusion of the two events — recognizing how often we stayed comfortable in our groups — we talked about how nice it was getting to know new people. In some form, almost every single couple told me personally, as they left, “We should make plans to ‘get together’ again, I’ll host it next time.” That was over five years ago. Not one of the guests in attendance has addressed getting together again. This told me everything I needed to know about my new community. I’ve seen all my invitees many times since those two dinners.
What happened?
Too often people say things they do not intend to do. The promises or suggestions are just a friendly way to transition a conversation, or leave a room. It happens all the time, in every circle. It’s a bad habit. It demonstrates poor integrity and character. Why make the suggestion? You can just say, “Goodbye, I had a nice evening, thank you.” Or, say nothing at all.
There are many reasons the invitation may not have been reciprocated. Well-intentioned people could have family issues or dynamics prohibiting them from hosting events. Financial constraints or other fiscal priorities could be at play. Lack of motivation and forgetfulness could have been issues too. Or, maybe they were uncomfortable with the new people, myself, and my family. I would not have thought much of the empty words if I didn’t regularly hear people in the community talk about the parties, dinners, vacations together, and other events with friends and families. New members were integrated more easily than I. They looked and operated more like the group.
I was an outsider. I had different perspectives, values, and habits independent of the school group. I wasn’t afraid to step out on my own, addressing systemic issues I saw that impacted people’s lives. The diversity statement says they “foster a community of complete inclusion and openness.” The group or sub-groups I frequented, barely had any diversity. Challenging the norms was frowned upon. People had been punished in the past for stepping out and not following the status quo. I was threatened with a “non-compliant” letter once. How dare I question the system? As one of the community’s leaders said to me when I expressed a different perspective about an established practice, “If you don’t like it, why are you still here? You can leave.”
Groupthink is dangerous when it runs too deep and goes unmanaged. It’s bad for its members and the entire community.
As a practicing organizational development leader at Walt Disney World, I experienced, diagnosed, and prescribed treatments for various symptoms which prevented the company from evolving. And, a very common phenomenon in almost every system is groupthink; the degree and impact of it varies greatly between communities. Irving Janis, Yale social psychologist, coined the term groupthink as, “A mode of thinking people engage in when they are deeply involved in a cohesive in-group, when the members’ striving for unanimity override their motivation to realistically appraise alternative courses of action. Groupthink refers to a deterioration of mental efficiency, reality testing, and moral judgment that results from in-group pressures.” Simply put, decisions are influenced by the group and not based on individual thoughts or beliefs.
Janis outlined eight symptoms of groupthink.
1. Illusion of invulnerability is an attitude that everything is fine because we are a “special group,” an over-optimistic sense of being untouchable, shielded from risk-taking, and the group thinks too good of itself.
2. Belief in inherent morality of the group leads people to ignore moral issues or dismiss consequences of individual or group behaviors, allowing beliefs to go unquestioned.
3. Collective rationalization happens when individuals are closed to new beliefs or ideas, causing them to miss warning signs of real issues. This rationalization creates the proverbial principle, “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.”
4. Out-group stereotypes who may challenge or oppose the group’s ideas are often disparaged allowing in-group members to ignore or alienate the outsider.
5. Self-censorship allows members of the group to resist expressing any opposing ideas or views of the group, fearing the consequences of their doubts.
6. Self-appointed “mindguards” attempt to preserve the central group idea and limit or exclude any information or details which could cause concerns within the group.
7. Illusions of unanimity is the notion that, “silence is consent” and leads people to the idea that everyone is in agreement about an issue and shares the same feelings, even if they really don’t.
8. Direct pressure on dissenters forces members to conform, oppresses those who demonstrate any doubt, and characterizes skeptics as disloyal, imposters or traitors.
Although working with large groups has its benefits, like fast and easy decision-making and execution of tasks, the liabilities of unmanaged groupthink can be devastating. Suppressing individual opinions and creative thought can lead to poor decision-making and inefficient problem-solving. Benjamin Franklin said, “When we all think alike, no one thinks very much.”
Groupthink also has other negative societal implications where race, religion, social-economics, politics, and other factors define a group’s formation. Palestinian-American author and editor, Ramzy Baroud stated in his article, The Us, Them, and Non-Factors, “The textual definition of racism pertains only to race, but in practice racism is a consequence of groupthink, whereby a group of people decides to designate itself as a collective and starts delineating its relationship with other collectives — or other people in general — with a sense of supremacy. When coupled with economic and/or political dominance, supremacy translates into various forms of subjugation and cruelty.” I’ve witnessed this type of depiction not just within this school community, but also in the workplace, neighborhood, government, and other frameworks. The racial tension we all feel today is due in part to groupthink; everyone is stuck in the illusion that their position and views are the only ones that matter. They think they are right.
I’ve never been deeply-rooted in any group. I value my independence and freedom of thought. I have friends and family who represent many different communities. I was nurtured that way; my whole family has been too. The ability to flow easily between any group is the secret to survival.
In all facets of society, my individuality, an ability to think for myself and the courage to speak-up, has challenged many individuals and institutions throughout my life. I address them thinking I am helping and improving the community, the system, and its effectiveness, pointing out blind spots and risks that may have been potentially overlooked. To be shunned so definitively for my efforts is shocking at first. I’ve been in many environments where independent voices were respected and valued, and we’ve executed many successful projects and initiatives together. But, the converse is disturbing. Outsider views are rejected within the system, leaving everyone else in the system to reject you too in order to maintain their status, loyalty, safety, and supremacy with the group.
The dinner was doomed from the start. Intergroup mixing and new perspectives are not a hallmark of this community. Independent thinking is denied.
Destructive groupthink environments can be minimized. It takes committed leadership and a willingness to unlearn old behaviors. Simple solutions can include:
valuing critics who bring up doubtfulful views
allocating time for healthy debate even designating a “devil’s advocate” for a contrasting voice
processing new ideas using note cards versus out loud
inviting “outsiders” to meetings who can shed new light on subjects
assembling a completely new team to generate thoughts and ideas
having leaders voice their views last or not at all
and, educating members about groupthink.
It takes effort and respect for every individual to change groupthink. It’s not easy; we are living through the worse of groupthink in America right now.
My assumption that my dinner guests would appreciate or accept something different than their own reflection was flawed and overly optimistic. As much as I wished we could all open our minds to something contrasting, it has proven to be almost impossible, based on my experiences. As hate has been amplified more recently — due to the divisive strategies of our President, his supporters, and the resurgence of hate groups — groupthink is destroying our society, the fabric being torn apart more-and-more each day. It’s painful to watch.
But, along with life-long friends and family, I’ve found my people. They found me actually, joining in with the outsiders. All of our families, children included, benefit from learning about each other. So, I’m content. I will find a way to show others the allure of new perspectives, a fascinating state of seeing something from a new light that stimulates and challenges us deeply. I will extend an invitation again soon, in a new way. As time and circumstances have changed, many of us are changing too. “We should get together” again. Now is a good time to.
References:
Paul ‘t Hart, “Irving L. Janis’ Victims of Groupthink,” Political Psychology, Vol. 12, №2 (Jun., 1991), pp. 247–278, https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/aea2/2b1d20013932e7fdc7567b39e3652b912078.pdf
Andrew Blackman, “What Are the Problems With Groupthink? +How to Avoid Them,” November 5, 2018, https://business.tutsplus.com/tutorials/what-is-groupthink--cms-32124
Ramzy Baroud, “Convenient Racism: The ‘Us’, ‘Them’ and ‘Non’ Factors,” September 20, 2007, http://www.ramzybaroud.net/convenient-racism-the-us-them-and-non-factors/
